Saying Goodbye

I had a very candid discussion with someone two days ago and that person was me.  I am physically the most stressed out I have ever been in my life and if you knew what had been going on around me you would agree.  But it’s not all of my responsibilities, the numerous changes I am walking through, or even health questions that have me snowed under.  The stress I have been overwhelmed by was and is caused by avoidance.  

I know that I talk a lot about surrender.  And that’s because I truly believe that the only way to walk in freedom is to live a completely surrendered life.  But living a surrendered life does not mean that you avoid acknowledging pain or that you forget to allow yourself time to grieve.  Which was something that I had been doing unknowingly.  

When my grandfather passed away last Thanksgiving, I was in the middle of preparing to say goodbye to my oldest son.  In fact, it was only 6 weeks away.  Because I had such mixed emotions over my son joining the Corps, and I was trying to show support even though I was dying inside, I forgot to grieve my loss.   

After my son left for the most grueling boot camp Parris Island has to offer, I knew that he would need me to put on a brave face and only send encouragement.  So every day, I wrote faithfully to him, stuffing aside my emotions so that he would have the support needed to follow his dreams.  

When my son graduated it was at the start of the COVID out-break and everything was shut down.  I didn’t get to be there to cheer him on as he achieved the dream he had sought after for so long.  Even then, I didn’t have time to pause for the fresh grief I was feeling.  Ever the mom, I continued to cheer him on and offer the loving support I knew he needed.  

And there was also a book to finish writing, editing, and launching and a life at home and work to continue living.  So I pressed on.  Since I was spiritually and mentally doing well, I didn’t even realize all of the emotions that I was stuffing aside or pushing through.  

I think it’s the heart of a caretaker.  Whether it’s as a mom or as someone taking care of a loved one.  We know they need our support and we forget that it is okay to admit to ourselves and to allow others to see that we’re grieving along the way.  We’re losing something we love, our life is changing, we’re in the process of saying goodbye.  

As someone who advises other to walk through their grief, and process their emotions, I found it appalling that I hadn’t done the same with mine, but I hadn’t.  I didn’t even know that I was grieving for my grandfather until I drove through Tennessee recently on my way to a funeral.  When the front bumper of my rental car came side to side with the state sign, every bit of grief and loss I had been avoiding came flooding in.  So I began the process of releasing my grief by talking about and sharing memories of one of the most important men in my life.  

In the same way, I didn’t know that I was grieving the loss of my son (even though he is very much alive) until he showed up to surprise me.  This mom was overwhelmed by all of the emotions she had stuffed inside especially the tears she shed knowing she would soon have to say goodbye.  

I find it a little bit ironic that on the eve of a new year, a time of saying good-bye to the old and hello to the new, I was learning to mourn and to say goodbye to an old relationship and hello to the new one that was emerging with my son.  

On Thursday the 31st of December, while sitting in a doctor’s exam room, I found myself ready to say goodbye to the old no matter how hard and to embrace the future no matter how unknown.  Is there something God is asking you to say goodbye to, to part ways with, to release so that He can bring you into something new?