On Friday as I prepared my work calendar for the next week’s reports, my eyes came to rest on the word ‘October’.  And without conscious thought on my part, I was propelled back to the year 2003.

While others are preparing for a season of cooler weather, pumpkin spice lattes, football, and all things fall, I am transported back to a year of job loss, no health insurance, an accidental pregnancy, fear, and all of the emotions that come with the unplanned whirlwinds of this life.  

I’m transported back to feelings of helplessness and the fear this brings.  I hear myself asking the questions once again: How will we provide for another one?  How will we pay for my healthcare?  What if this darling baby also ends up in the Neonatal unit?  Will we survive leaving another child behind at the hospital as we go home empty handed, our emotions raw?  How will I possibly have enough love to go around?  Can I love three kids well?

I find myself reliving the intense roller coaster of loss, fear, questioning, growth, acceptance, victory, and joy.  I once again feel the unexplainable happiness of bringing our firstborn daughter home.  The overwhelming gratefulness of God’s gift to us.  The thankfulness for her life even though unplanned on our part.  I once again marvel in awe and wonder at the faithfulness of our God and His plans for our lives.

But this happy detour or repose from the storm doesn’t end there.  While we are still astounded by God’s mercy, while still pondering His faithfulness and lovingkindness in the midst of our unfaithfulness, questioning, and doubt; the unimaginable happens.

The life we fought so hard against in the beginning because she came when we didn’t want her.  When we weren’t financially ready.  When we were too afraid to try pregnancy again.  That mortal being, the one we came to love more than we ever imagined, was ripped out of our arms without warning.  The shock of her life and death, still a surging and violent disturbance if I look at it through the lenses of my own selfish rights, plans, or desires.

But today, I choose to look at it through the goggles of grace and the lenses of truth.  I have two choices.  I can hold onto my selfishness and see the unfairness of it all, or I can see the trial as a gift.  I can look at my darling Audrey as someone I was entrusted to steward and care for within a very small window of time.  I can see my life during that time as a sacrificial offering of service to my King.  One where my love, support, provision, and care were used to bring joy and comfort to someone else for the short time they had on this earth.  I can see it as a time of pouring out for someone else, a call to selfless living.  I can react like Joseph to his brothers in Genesis 50:20a (NKJV) But as for you, you meant evil against me, but God used it for good.  I can place my vision on my Master’s face saying to the storm, ‘Yet will I trust in Him’ (Job 13:15a NKJV).  

The whys no longer plague my mind.  The reason we were required to walk through the 2003 of our lives no longer a question I want answered.  Instead I hope and pray that God will use what we walked through for His good.  That we will live each day with open hearts and hands, fully surrendered to His plans for our lives.  Romans 8:28 (NLT) And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

I’ve been thinking a lot about waiting rooms lately.  Maybe it’s because I am in a season of waiting or it could be that so many of my friends and family are enduring the waiting rooms of life.  WAITING on the doctor’s report whether good or bad, so that they know what emotions to address and what direction to take.  Waiting to find out if they got that promotion or landed that new job.  Waiting on an answer, an opportunity, or direction on where to go next.

Waiting S-T-I-N-K-S!  It’s hard to wait well.  In the waiting, you experience a roller coaster of emotions.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  

You may approach the waiting room of life with joy because you like new possibilities or you may be apprehensive and fearful as you approach that door.  But it’s what we do in that room that matters.  It’s WHO we hold onto that counts.  We can’t allow our focus to become the crux of the wait or the waiting becomes quicksand that slowly takes over our life and mind.

So, how do we wait well?   We move our focus from the answer we seek and place it on the Author of our lives.  Like the Apostle Paul, we must realize that true contentment comes from abiding in Christ alone.  Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

It is through Christ where we find the courage to face the unknown.  It is in Him that we find the strength to keep going when it would be so easy to give up and get stuck in the waiting.  It is when we lay aside our hopes and desires regarding the outcome, completely letting go, peeling back each finger from the fist of our (this is mine) grip until we completely let go holding nothing back in full surrendered trust.  We can’t do this in our own strength, we can only do it through Him.  Isaiah 26:3 (NKJV) You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.

And Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men. Colossians 3:23 (NKJV)

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, or months where every moment seems to be a lesson in failure?  Maybe it’s even begun to feel like a season of failings.  If so, I’m right there with you.  

Early this year, I said ‘yes’ to pursuing one of my God given dreams.  With this pursuit, came a lot of time restricting hoops which I juggled well with the help of my family.  But then new hoops were required and these were outside of the boundaries of my talents and abilities.  If time constriction wasn’t stressful enough, taking on things I am not good at and don’t have the time to give my best to was a weight I wasn’t ready to emotionally bear.  

The truth is, I don’t want to just give my best, I want to give my PERFECT.  Hence my problem.  I’ll even let you in on a little secret: One of my biggest lifelong struggles has been the fear of failure.  The fear, of not being enough or of not being good enough.  And recently, I have been faced with all of these feelings coming from all fronts.

I find a sense of accomplishment when I am able to see a job through from start to finish, but that was no longer possible with the weight of my workload.  Even my house joined the melee of my failings. It went from looking picture perfect and company ready to looking more like a Natural Disaster blew through.  Scratch that, it looks more like a war zone and the Axis Powers are winning.  S-T-R-I-K-E!

While perusing my dream and at a conference far from home, I was informed that I forgot to pre-register my kids for school.  STRIKE TWO!

And if the odds against me weren’t bad enough, the third strike came when my bruised and battered, rejected and redirected heart got called into my bosses office shortly after I got home.  I was called to give an account of everything I was currently behind on.

Well, that would be ABSOLUTELY everything.  I had been drowning for months and even though I had explained that I was only one person and couldn’t take on any more outside projects and keep on task, my voice fell on deaf ears.  

I walked out of that office completely humiliated and dejected.  Plodding down the hall back to my workspace, I tried to convince myself that running away or quitting weren’t valid options for me.  

I plopped onto my chair and placed my head down on the desk crying out to God in inner pleadings only He could hear.  I didn’t know how much more failure I could possibly take.

That is when I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, “Who do you work for?”  It was like a fresh breath of air filled my lungs.  I knew who I worked for.  I labored for God.  Everyday I submitted the work of my hands to Him.  I made an effort to do my very best in order to please Him.  So what did I have to fear?

If my work was truly done for the glory of God and Him alone, then it didn’t matter what my boss thought.  It only mattered what God thought.  My limits and abilities might be so much smaller that I would like them to be, but my God is bigger than my failures…Bigger than my limits.  He is able to use a cracked vessel like me for great things beyond my comprehension.  

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)