I have worked so hard to slow my life down.  To not rush forward, to live in the moment.  My steps have transitioned from the brisk and harried pace of a hot mess to a more contemplative stroll as I have pursued stillness and found peace in savoring each moment.

But the last two weeks, I have found myself rushing forward once again.  I first noticed it on a drive home from work.  Instead of patiently going with the flow of rush hour, I began tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic, and speeding down the road as if my life depended on it.  I also noticed that I no longer strolled through the store, pausing to look at various items, aware of my surroundings.  Instead, I had resumed the whirlwind pace of my former self galloping from one thing to the next, avoiding pauses and choosing busyness over quiet reflection.

While my family was showcasing patience, kindness, compassion, and love for all to see, I found myself growing impatient, becoming snappy and irritable.  What had happened to my peace?  What was eroding my restful and tranquil pace?

As I sought my answers in the Word of God, I was drawn to I Corinthians 13:4-5.  The convicting reality that I wasn’t walking in love stung, so I began to dig deeper.  I opened my journal and wrote out each word next to its definition.  Then I began to ponder and ask myself the tough questions…  What is keeping you from being patient and kind?  Why are you overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy?  What is causing you to be rude, to demand your own way as if you alone are the only one who could possibly be right?  And worst of all, how can you react so irritably toward others and keep a record of their wrongs when Christ has bestowed on you His grace so abundant and free?  Why are you acting this way?

As I worked through my feelings, I began to realize that I was struggling with insecurity.  My insecurity began when I allowed a nagging fear to become a pestering thought.  This thought became thoughts that broke through my helmet of salvation stealing my peace as I began to entertain them, giving them precedence over truth.  Instead of turning these fearful darts over to God every time they reared their ugly head, I had given them a corner of my thought life.  Before I knew it, they had played out my worst fears, causing anxiety and quickly stealing my peace.   

This girl needed to make sure that her armor was in place.  I needed to take my fear and nail it to Christ’s cross leaving it there.  Galatians 5:24-25 (NLT)  Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to His cross and crucified them there.  Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.  

I couldn’t allow my fears to have dominion over me or a place in my mind.  My mind belongs to Christ and no matter the outcome of the situation I was fearful over, I could trust God’s perfect ways.  I could rest in the goodness of His plans and will for my life no matter the outcome.  I John 4:18 (NIV)  There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  

A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.  Put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil.  Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.  Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.  In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.  Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion.  Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.  Ephesians 6:10,13-18 (NLT)

It was a terrible, horrible, no good Tuesday.  One of those days you just wish you could start over from the very beginning.  Before the day was over I would receive blow after blow of disappointing news.  If that wasn’t bad enough, I was struggling with feelings of discontentment. I didn’t have the heart for the monotony of another work day. I was bored of the repetition and routine, the sameness of everyday.   

As I struggled to maintain a good attitude and stay above the gloom, I fielded call after call of the unexpected, text after text of discouraging news from family members, and email after email of issues that needed my immediate attention. Talk about being pressed in on from all sides and all at the same time. Yet I was still expected to come up with solutions, find answers, give sound advice, and be the encouragement others needed. But I too needed my spirits lifted. I was in need as well.

After dealing with an extremely difficult person who plain and simply wanted me to be as miserable as they were, I almost gave into the feelings and emotions that had been intruding on me all day. Instead I ran to God telling Him how desperately I needed Him. How I couldn’t keep an attitude that honored Him without His help.

Even though I couldn’t leave the constraints of my office, I laid down the burden of gloom and disappointment that was encroaching on my spirit.  Through whispered songs of praise I took my eyes off of my own negative feelings and the emotions that were pulling me toward hopelessness and instead placed my focus on the One my heart desires.

Psalms 42

As the deer longs for streams of water so I long for you, oh God. (vs. 1 NLT)

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.  (verse 2a NIV)

Why am I discouraged?  Why is my heart so sad?  I will put my hope in God!  I will  praise Him again – my Savior and my God!  (vs. 5-6a NLT)

But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.(vs. 8 NLT)

Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.   (vs. 11 NIV)