We all have a testimony that needs to be shared.  Your story may be the breakthrough that someone else has been praying for.  Don’t allow fear to hold you back from declaring what He has done for and in you.

They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; Revelation 12:11a (NIV)

On Friday as I prepared my work calendar for the next week’s reports, my eyes came to rest on the word ‘October’.  And without conscious thought on my part, I was propelled back to the year 2003.

While others are preparing for a season of cooler weather, pumpkin spice lattes, football, and all things fall, I am transported back to a year of job loss, no health insurance, an accidental pregnancy, fear, and all of the emotions that come with the unplanned whirlwinds of this life.  

I’m transported back to feelings of helplessness and the fear this brings.  I hear myself asking the questions once again: How will we provide for another one?  How will we pay for my healthcare?  What if this darling baby also ends up in the Neonatal unit?  Will we survive leaving another child behind at the hospital as we go home empty handed, our emotions raw?  How will I possibly have enough love to go around?  Can I love three kids well?

I find myself reliving the intense roller coaster of loss, fear, questioning, growth, acceptance, victory, and joy.  I once again feel the unexplainable happiness of bringing our firstborn daughter home.  The overwhelming gratefulness of God’s gift to us.  The thankfulness for her life even though unplanned on our part.  I once again marvel in awe and wonder at the faithfulness of our God and His plans for our lives.

But this happy detour or repose from the storm doesn’t end there.  While we are still astounded by God’s mercy, while still pondering His faithfulness and lovingkindness in the midst of our unfaithfulness, questioning, and doubt; the unimaginable happens.

The life we fought so hard against in the beginning because she came when we didn’t want her.  When we weren’t financially ready.  When we were too afraid to try pregnancy again.  That mortal being, the one we came to love more than we ever imagined, was ripped out of our arms without warning.  The shock of her life and death, still a surging and violent disturbance if I look at it through the lenses of my own selfish rights, plans, or desires.

But today, I choose to look at it through the goggles of grace and the lenses of truth.  I have two choices.  I can hold onto my selfishness and see the unfairness of it all, or I can see the trial as a gift.  I can look at my darling Audrey as someone I was entrusted to steward and care for within a very small window of time.  I can see my life during that time as a sacrificial offering of service to my King.  One where my love, support, provision, and care were used to bring joy and comfort to someone else for the short time they had on this earth.  I can see it as a time of pouring out for someone else, a call to selfless living.  I can react like Joseph to his brothers in Genesis 50:20a (NKJV) But as for you, you meant evil against me, but God used it for good.  I can place my vision on my Master’s face saying to the storm, ‘Yet will I trust in Him’ (Job 13:15a NKJV).  

The whys no longer plague my mind.  The reason we were required to walk through the 2003 of our lives no longer a question I want answered.  Instead I hope and pray that God will use what we walked through for His good.  That we will live each day with open hearts and hands, fully surrendered to His plans for our lives.  Romans 8:28 (NLT) And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

I’ve been thinking a lot about waiting rooms lately.  Maybe it’s because I am in a season of waiting or it could be that so many of my friends and family are enduring the waiting rooms of life.  WAITING on the doctor’s report whether good or bad, so that they know what emotions to address and what direction to take.  Waiting to find out if they got that promotion or landed that new job.  Waiting on an answer, an opportunity, or direction on where to go next.

Waiting S-T-I-N-K-S!  It’s hard to wait well.  In the waiting, you experience a roller coaster of emotions.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  

You may approach the waiting room of life with joy because you like new possibilities or you may be apprehensive and fearful as you approach that door.  But it’s what we do in that room that matters.  It’s WHO we hold onto that counts.  We can’t allow our focus to become the crux of the wait or the waiting becomes quicksand that slowly takes over our life and mind.

So, how do we wait well?   We move our focus from the answer we seek and place it on the Author of our lives.  Like the Apostle Paul, we must realize that true contentment comes from abiding in Christ alone.  Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

It is through Christ where we find the courage to face the unknown.  It is in Him that we find the strength to keep going when it would be so easy to give up and get stuck in the waiting.  It is when we lay aside our hopes and desires regarding the outcome, completely letting go, peeling back each finger from the fist of our (this is mine) grip until we completely let go holding nothing back in full surrendered trust.  We can’t do this in our own strength, we can only do it through Him.  Isaiah 26:3 (NKJV) You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.

And Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men. Colossians 3:23 (NKJV)

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, or months where every moment seems to be a lesson in failure?  Maybe it’s even begun to feel like a season of failings.  If so, I’m right there with you.  

Early this year, I said ‘yes’ to pursuing one of my God given dreams.  With this pursuit, came a lot of time restricting hoops which I juggled well with the help of my family.  But then new hoops were required and these were outside of the boundaries of my talents and abilities.  If time constriction wasn’t stressful enough, taking on things I am not good at and don’t have the time to give my best to was a weight I wasn’t ready to emotionally bear.  

The truth is, I don’t want to just give my best, I want to give my PERFECT.  Hence my problem.  I’ll even let you in on a little secret: One of my biggest lifelong struggles has been the fear of failure.  The fear, of not being enough or of not being good enough.  And recently, I have been faced with all of these feelings coming from all fronts.

I find a sense of accomplishment when I am able to see a job through from start to finish, but that was no longer possible with the weight of my workload.  Even my house joined the melee of my failings. It went from looking picture perfect and company ready to looking more like a Natural Disaster blew through.  Scratch that, it looks more like a war zone and the Axis Powers are winning.  S-T-R-I-K-E!

While perusing my dream and at a conference far from home, I was informed that I forgot to pre-register my kids for school.  STRIKE TWO!

And if the odds against me weren’t bad enough, the third strike came when my bruised and battered, rejected and redirected heart got called into my bosses office shortly after I got home.  I was called to give an account of everything I was currently behind on.

Well, that would be ABSOLUTELY everything.  I had been drowning for months and even though I had explained that I was only one person and couldn’t take on any more outside projects and keep on task, my voice fell on deaf ears.  

I walked out of that office completely humiliated and dejected.  Plodding down the hall back to my workspace, I tried to convince myself that running away or quitting weren’t valid options for me.  

I plopped onto my chair and placed my head down on the desk crying out to God in inner pleadings only He could hear.  I didn’t know how much more failure I could possibly take.

That is when I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, “Who do you work for?”  It was like a fresh breath of air filled my lungs.  I knew who I worked for.  I labored for God.  Everyday I submitted the work of my hands to Him.  I made an effort to do my very best in order to please Him.  So what did I have to fear?

If my work was truly done for the glory of God and Him alone, then it didn’t matter what my boss thought.  It only mattered what God thought.  My limits and abilities might be so much smaller that I would like them to be, but my God is bigger than my failures…Bigger than my limits.  He is able to use a cracked vessel like me for great things beyond my comprehension.  

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Being a parent can be scary.  In fact, battling worry comes with the job title.  We start out doing everything for these little humans because they are dependent on us for life, but end up having to let go so that they can learn to soar on their own.  For me, that day has come and I am trying to do it with grace.  

But the last two weeks have not been easy.  Have you ever decided to face something without fear only to get ambushed on all sides by other people’s worries?  For the last two weeks, I have experienced this in a BIG way.  Well-intentioned friends and family have been trying to offer me comfort by lovingly sharing their fears with me.  One well-meaning friend even went so far as to explain the probability of my son’s death if he follows his chosen path.  (Yes, this mamma heart got to hear that as well.)

Both of my boys have decided on dangerous jobs.  Jobs with great risks.  Careers that are even more risky in today’s political climate.  One has chosen to become a United States Marine and the other has plans to go into law enforcement.  My sons have hearts that want to serve others.  They are both Super Heroes that desire to fight for justice in their own unique ways.

As a former Marine wife, I know the emotional cost my sons may bear.  I know that the drain of missed holidays and ungrateful people can take its toll.  As a parent, I know the value of each and every day my kids have on this earth and I don’t want to see that cut short.  But as a loving mother, I also want to see them chase their God given dreams.  Why would I allow my worries for tomorrow to keep them from fulfilling their God given purposes?      

And though I want what is best for them, listening to the fears of others, even well meaning fears has taken a toll on my emotions.  So how do I deal with these fears?  Fears that could become reality?  I have to decide what I really believe and then I must stand firmly on it.  

What do I believe?  I believe that the God who knows the number of hairs on my head loves my children much more than I do.  I know that He loved them so much that He gave His life as a ransom for them.  So I will choose to lay aside the vice-grip of worry and instead take each day of this mamma life in surrendered faith.  Living day by day.  For I have no control over the outcome of my children’s lives, but I trust the One who does.  “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today’s trouble is enough for today.”  Matthew 6:34 NLT

The last three weeks have been a test of endurance, grace, and limits for our little family.  There were days I wondered if I should just throw in the towel and cry ‘Uncle’.  Times where I found myself singing Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.  ‘I get knocked down, but I get up again…’  

Yesterday was just a continuation of that fun.  I spent my lunch hour talking to the DMV, County Clerk’s office, and the insurance company regarding an infraction I couldn’t possibly be guilty of as I was sitting in my office at work and not to mention, a state away when it happened.  But as I learned yesterday I am guilty until proven innocent in a court of law.  

If all of this wasn’t enough, before my lunch was over, I get a call from my husband.  One of our kids was involved in an auto accident with another student and we were dealing with a mamma bear.  I found myself leaving work abruptly.  Fielding a myriad number of calls and texts from the Sherif’s office, work, school, and the insurance company.  

As my cellphone ceaselessly vibrated in the cup holder next to me, when I tried to cheer up my son that was so downtrodden by the events of the day, while I tried to make sense of all that was going on around me, I began to sing.  I sang Psalm 118:24, This is the day the Lord has made.  We will rejoice and be glad in it. (NLT)  This led me to sing Philippians 4:4, Rejoice in the Lord always.  Again I will say, rejoice! (NKJV)  

On days like these I am so thankful for the scriptures and for songs written from them. They remind me to keep my focus on the only one who can guide me safely through the storm.  I lift my eyes to the mountains- where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:1-2

I have two speeds hot and cold, on and off, or should I say fast and slow?  It’s very hard for me to operate in the middle.

But the middle is where I’ve learned to reside.  It’s the perfect balance between striving and giving up.  Owning it all and not taking responsibility.  It’s where I’ve learned to soar on the currents of God’s winds in full surrender and trust.  

I reside in this middle as long as my priorities remain in check.  As long as I keep my appointments with God.  As long as I find that daily time to be still.  

But what happens to this introvert when I’m hit on all sides?  When every moment of everyday is filled to overflowing with responsibilities, to do lists, and people?  When I can’t find that quality time with God or that time to just be still?  What happens when stress, exhaustion, and anxiety meet?  

I can honestly say it’s not pretty.  I know what to do, but as the Apostle Paul mentioned in Romans 7:15, I don’t do it.  When my whole world starts to implode I do one of two things.  I either shut down emotionally due to overload or I become the biggest of strivers increasing my stress and speed with each and every minute.  Neither one of these is good.  

So when the going gets tough, when I find myself overwhelmed, striving, or shutting down, I must run to the arms of Jesus.  I need to sit at the feet of God.  For He is my hiding place;  He protects me from trouble.  He surrounds me with songs of victory.  Psalms 32:7  

He is my peace, my anchor, my strength, the lifter of my head.  He is all I need, so I will take refuge in Him and sing His praises forevermore.  Psalm 118:28 (NLT)  You are my God, and I will praise you!  You are my God and I will exalt you!

No matter what is holding your thoughts and emotions hostage.  Whether it’s an interview you feel unprepared for, a big presentation you can’t afford to mess up on, an unexpected move, a health scare, an earth shaking loss, or just plain and simply the ups and downs of life, cast it at the feet of Jesus.  

Take those cares, thoughts, worries and hand them over one by one in prayer.  Leave them at the feet of Jesus and rest assured in His plan, purpose, and will for your life.  There is no ear more attuned to your cries, no heart that cares more about you.  Rest, abide, release, let go, and allow God to bear the weight of your cares upon his shoulders.   Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.  I Peter 5:7 (NKJV)

Come with me.  Let me show you a joy that knows no bounds.  One that is not based upon your circumstances but on my love for you. – God

You make me know the path of life; in your presence is unbounded joy, in your right hand is eternal delight.  Psalms 16:11  (CJB)